As Real As It Gets............

You never know when it will all end. It can all end in a second.

Life is too short to spend it sad, anxious and depressed bc of other people. 

All I want in life is to be happy and make a better life for my kids. A house with a fenced in back yard and a nice deck so Isaiah can play outside. Kids will each have their own rooms. And I would have to move my mom in. 

After everything I have been through I am not the person I used to be. Life circumstances have changed me and it's not for the worse; it's for the better.

After a traumatic experience God pulled me out of the darkest place in my life. I was deeply depressed. I don't know if the growling I heard, the footsteps I heard or the breathing in my face I felt was real or a part of the trauma. All I know is that God lifted me up out of misery to continue on with my life......

I woke up at 5am this morning with sad thoughts about people in my past that have left my life. 

Like with Aaron. "All this talk about how he missed me and wanted to be with me to tell me he was getting a divorce and how I would have to meet her to be around his kids. Just to be tossed to the side bc he didn't know what he wanted. Yeah you knew, it just wasn't me." 

For one time in my life I thought I was finally going to get everything that I wanted: Darren, a baby with him only for it to be taken away. "To be pregnant and have to deal with all the bad news, to be told the baby wouldn't survive and I had to abort or stay pregnant only to deliver a stillborn. I couldn't continue pregnancy knowing the baby was fluid filled and had a genetic abnormality. She wouldn't have lived. To go through the procedure and to tell Darren afterwards, only for him to block me on Facebook. Like I did something wrong."

I skipped Anita's 40th birthday party bc of everything I was going through. Me and her were best friends. I wonder why Leslie created the wedge between me and anita. They are now best friends. I'm just like whatever when it comes to that. Her and Jessica are all close now even tho all the things she told me about her - about her blasting her out on fb about a phone calling her all these names but now they are best friends. All I ever did was be a friend to her when she had no car, no ride to to children's mercy."

"This whole being forced to take care of my dad all of a sudden is something I can't do. I tried, I just can't do it. Lona did so much to keep me away I stayed away and now I'm expected to jump back in and if all that shit didn't happen. The woman told me to keep my one year old in the waiting room in the hospital while I visited my dad. Twinkie accused me of not caring about him or loving him bc I took a week off from visiting because I work 40 hours a week and had 2 kids at home. But yet I'm just supposed to jump back in I'm sorry I can't do that shit. And I wont do it. Maybe if I didn't go through all those negative things with them and my dad I wouldn't feel like I do. Maybe that's what caused the anxiety about the situation. I just know that I can't do it - I can't handle the anxiety I get. So it's time to go to the doctor for it."

Those were most of my thoughts I wrote this morning.

It's to the point where I can't hide anymore and I won't. But that's my reality. I just want to continue with my goals, to create a better life for my kids and to move on from all of this and everyone..............