Trauma

 Been a while since I last posted. A lot has gone on and here I am again with some more thoughts for you to ponder on. 

Trauma.............

I made a video last night about my thoughts on this mainly because a few things happened yesterday that put trauma and the long term effects it has on people because it was so heavy on my head I couldn't just write it down. So now, I am attempting to write things down...Here we go.....................

Yesterday morning I was watching a new documentary on STARZ about the NXIVM cult. I have seen documentaries on the organization before but this new series talks to India Oxenburg, who is the daughter of actress Catherine Oxenburg, the daughter of the Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia. What made this interview appealing because the last series I watched, Catherine was still working on getting her daughter out of that cult...and now she is out and told her side of the story. One of the things that stuck with me was how the leader who they referred to as 'Vanguard' was making excuses for abusers. Blaming the victim for what happened to them and how they choose how something affects them by feeling a certain way about it. 

The women attended a class or session with the men in the organization and they were told to wear baggy clothes (so they wouldn't be a temptation to the men) and to say out loud "i am not a victim. I choose how they something affects them. To me, it is a very misleading statement by saying I am not a victim because it seems to be discrediting how a situation that happened to you affected you. The same goes for when you are told to forgive others and how forgiving them sets you free. If you are someone who went through trauma it is a step by step process for recovery: for me trauma affected me by depression, ptsd, anxiety attacks, and I had to BUILD MYSELF BACK UP in order to be somewhat "normal" again. But trauma is something that affects you long term. You can never forget and it's effects last with you for a lifetime. Y

You LEARN how to suppress emotions and keep how you really feel bottled up for fear that the same thing will happen again (trauma).

You LEARN how to cope with pain and suffering and sorrow. But you will NEVER forget. And you can't tell someone how to feel if you have never been through their experience. It's selfish to say forgive and forget because that makes it seem like YOU are the issue with why so and so treated you that way and why you feel the way you do about it. No. That person who caused you so much anguish and pain is the reason and they get to move about their lives as if nothing ever happened - while you are stuck with the long term effect trauma scars you with. 

One thing I had to learn was not to forgive and forget but to deal and move forward while still dealing with the hurt and pain caused by another. Medication has helped the racing thoughts I have of constantly thinking everything was my fault. Medication controls my anxiety. So tell me how fair it is to forgive them for doing wrong while you are still trying to heal yourself and cope with life after the trauma. I learned to cope, medicate, and focus on myself. To not allow what anyone else says or think about me affect me....why....because if I knew it would cause me even more damage. To not rekindle relationships with toxic people - by toxic I mean people that just want to know your business then judge you for how you should be feeling about it. Then holding it against you because you should forgive and forget.